Teh new HL Story – by most of the members of the mapping community. =========== The Black Mesa compound was stupidly built into caves. DUH! and gordon freeman broke it. 
The Mesa Scientists were happily mashed by trolls and dog-shite because freeman set aliens loose. The funny thing is that Freeman Forgot to go back and had pie and icecream with lots of cherries and nuts. Then Gordon stepped out of the tram of doom and stupidly fell into a big vat of monster_snarks. Then he got out and impressed them with his shockingly huge, dangling, alien-like genitalia. 

Freeman looked down and said "ahh in your eye FREAK!" 

He became known as mike_hockstings, but it made no sense, like this random thread thing. 

But then Gordon stepped out; "my cock stings" he said, and then grabbed the nearest full sized extendable penis clamp and used it on his mothers special underpants with skiddies, toast and cheerios last night. 

Then he ate a gargantua for fun, cos he's hard and had a dump in a large box of sheep that nibbled on his new penis that smelled like a cheese factory machine of doom. 

Then the sheep decided to rape some innocent villagers. God sucked his vaccuum and fluff, and set fire to the cabbage of impending death balls resulting in lots of little screaming gonads and sperm cells that took a holiday to a magical land of poo full of naked old people popping boners for a charity. 

But the sight of these caused seizures and heart failiure to numerous, pathetic, shattered people, and sickend all who wanted Wrench Software to stop raping. 

Free penis enlargements for dogs are very popular among those coastal villages for the elderly, criminaly insane diry old smelly and damn ridiculous retarded elderly posters dont stick to rules. 

Noone cares for rules (prison) in the distant mountains of fagalatigumpa. The midget men danced around the corpse of an inversed lavatory stain with bleach and pickle. They then stopped for tea and shit sticks and jumped into a pool of pulped tony blair flesh; but were shocked when they were attacked by mutant pigs with big fat hairy spotty children by their sides. Clive was disapointed when he discovered his wife was a man. 

He ran away to join the mesa team. New name: George. He found Mr Freeman masturbating instead of escaping. ponce. George joined freeman and together they made babies and escaped only to find a squad of baby unmakers and unescaper drones drinking petrol and playing cards. One lit a fag. BOOOM! 

Fool. So gordon and his new fishing buddy went fishing for an ichyosaur. It ate a large spikey eared goat but spat it out when it decomposed into warm goop. 

"That's odd." said Freeman's boyfriend as they made passionate love to an unsuspecting goat. 

Just lust they said, just lust. Gordon had enough so he drew some willies on paper and they came to life! Ph33r teh mutant paper willies! 

He sat down and cried. and was eaten by willies. But he didnt die! Infact, he inflated and became invincible. But this was no ordinary willy, this was Ub3r willy. But even Ub3r Willy was surprised at gordons growth rate. 

He apologised for eating Gordon, and they all had tea. 

Ub3r willy noticed Gordon staring and drooling. 

'you dirty puff' said Wily to Gordon. 

Then it was all over. END. Except for the one thing made of firey eggplant golems which spat lukewarm tapioca everywhere... EVIL lukewarm tapioca, that is...as evil as the gman, and as bad as the five cheese caserole in BMRF. 

Fagpants: man of justice went to get his faggypants dry-cleaned at the faggypants dry cleaners where he dry-cleaned his faggypants. 

He said "randy stop posting " and, "mr ben go die' 

But mr ben couldnt die! because mr ben was super....but randy gibbon is super-er. Then everyone hailed Wex when all of a sudden wex died because gordon freeman kicked his favourite pet headcrab to Xen. 

"No!" said Wex, when he popped his spleen in half and disgorged the contents of the huge box that was containing our universal existance orbs which were made of glopp, and smelled like a dead, withered old fart with bits of mouldy bread in it. "randy, maniac, you talk bollox" Said Gordon to a lamp-post whilst he swallowed a goose. 

Barney wobbled his wibble around sector C. Meanwhile shepard was making love to a passing female scientist who calmy went to buy some vegetables from the anom labs when it folded inside out and crippled and farted in a bucket! 

Now the mesa compound was going to be eaten by giant reptillian bum farts of the ever elusive g-man and his loosely elasticated underpants, which he held up with close pegs, and which he wore on his butt ugly twisted face. 

"Cigarettes are good for you" said Gordan Freemans asthmatic grandfather, who was dying a nasty death. 

Ccroaked: "Come closer my little reluctant love toy, i want to lick your arse out" 

"Thats Fu*kin' sick he said", and he gibbed into lots of teeny tiny little gibs which splattered all over Freemans brand new shoes stolen from the gman's boy friend, who was the boyfriend of gman, who had a boyfriend named Eric Shun. 

Dirty great homos who were all boyfriends of micheal barrymore, the crap comedian, who really wasnt anything but a crap comedian who loved stuffed potatoes. 

So anyways, freeman thought he'd be clever and type "impulse 101", where he landed in a pile of dead scientists that the donkleys had eaten for tea , but wait, supper, not tea...no, it was definatley tea. Or maybe was it lunch?....no it was breakfast. 

Anyways, Freeman typed "impulse 101", and recieved loads of cool weaponry. 

"thats called cheating" said Ethelburger, who was promptly slain by a very prompt slayer. Tadgers drew his dripping blade from a pile of dog shite smeared on the G-man's shoe, and prompty stabbed it through a helpless scientist's chest, causing him to bellow: "Stop attacking, ill get diseases from that! " 

Freeman laughed and mercilessly carried a handbag over his arm, like a raging scotsman on marajuana (which is nearly legal). 

Freeman strode out into the abyss, and died. The G-man put on some perfume and farted ina phish shaped bottle. 

"Dear lord!", exclaimed a passerby. "What are you doing?" 

The passerby then violently exploded because he had been injected with some strange chemical stolen from the great big concrete container over there. You know, in time for teh disco groovin'. 

Gargantua, champion of Xen and a damn good dancer. Garg got down and boogied on the wet floor alongside a boogying ole boogyman. 

"lets boogie!" 

The gargantua exploded suddenly because the boogieman boogied too hard. So along came freeman who was an undercover transvestite for the undercover tranvestite association which undercovered transvestites. And so now tranvestites could go undercover legally and uncover transvestites. 

So Gordon had a bath in the hotel room bathtub to wash his genetalia free from germs, pausing only to wonder why the hell he was wearing an extra large wookie brazierre. 

Freeman then slipped, and fell. 

"no we arent!" yelled wrench. 

"where can I get a job as a transvestite?" Asked N.R.G. 

"'at my place" said Wex 

are you sure?" asked sharpasknives "no" answered a humble pie "I am your god!" said a passing randy gibbon, who at that moment spontaneously combusted. The gman's head suddenly imploded and set fire to a big arsed fat sack of lard, known as the G-Man. 

Anyways, a scientist was swallowing a headcrab, figuring it would give him the nescessary data to study how the headcrabs would behave in his stumach. But the headcrab wasn’t happy, and decided to finish his lavatory duties in his new expensive, one hundred thousand dollar crab - o - matic automated system from Black Mesa's finest...Gordon Freeman. 

Freeman was a happy man because he got laid by a big nasty dog turd. Anyways, so the Mesa Compound fracture was to the leg , which didnt make any sence, so the gman f*cked a sharp knife out of boredom and cried OUCH my Hand. Then he died in a hev suit with the gonarch humping it. Then Barney was all green like this. He managed to rip off someone's old hairy w0ot machine. 

He gave the machine to chubbysteve because he needed to say w00t a lot. Chubbysteve s weird, said the gman. 

"I'm insulted" said chubbysteve. 

The G-man didn't blink an eye. He actually ran along the coastline of Spain. He stabbed Freeman in the ass because, well, he was gay. So he happily pranced around the gay nudist camp of schlong because he wanted to get circumsized by a drunk, gay, Yiddish speaking sponge. A few seconds later he wasnt circumcised because he doesnt have a penis end. 

Changing the subject once more, because no one wants to talk about penises anymore, except maybe that "horny primate" guy or that "animal loving result". So now that freeman had a whopping shlong, he could spam the spamming spam board on world spam day. 

Badgers are funny looking. Whopping shlongs are great for porn stars and degrading the spamming boards. 

“Degradation is a cruel thing” said the gman to a copy of himself. 

Dog poo does not mix very well with eyes or mouths at those certain places near the shag shed. 

Monkeys are fun to play with, providing you dont put them in a toaster, microwave, washing machine or Black Mesa Research Facility because Barney dont like monkeys, they set the test subjects free. 

Once, a monkey even took something, causing a resonance cascade one of the test subjects, but that's nothing compared to the day one hid in Einstein's trousers, leaped out and died in a puddle of urine. 

Einstein cried because he had cacti in his pants. The other scientists laughed until they shat their pants in fear, when einstein showed them his big hairy hamster. Then the hamster ate the monkey's peanuts, which pissed him off, but since it was dead, nobody knew what was going on when it pulled out a burning cigarette and smoked till it died. Barney was living in a chicken shed minding his own buisness, when it burned to the ground. 

This pissed Barney off, so he started work at Mesa Grande, a Spanish missionary. Well, in the day of the the 1st aniversary of the eye growing machine's first test, all the eyes were looking in the direction of the very, very, very, very, VERY dastardly attractive scientist, who was carefully unzipping his fly so he could let the headcrab unleash hell fury on his. 

Meanwhile, back at the VERC, non affiliated OT forums a glowing gnome shoved a pair of scissors up someone's rectal passage and laughed loudly. After slaying mushypeas for not making any sense, Freeman drew a bowl of waxed fruit and dumped it on G-man. 

"Aaahhh... It feels good!" said a near by scientist, whom freeman had passions for, left hidden in his mind, what possessed him to oorgle. 

Freeman, the one man army, decided to kick butt. So he banned me from the verc. 

Freeman fell down some stairs, ending up with some nasty bruises and broken bones. Barney was about to take a scientist to the test labs when suddenly, they both gibbed into a hundred million trillion little pieces of meat. They reformed like the terminators adversary. 

"That is sooo cool!" said a passing headcrab who promptly attacked the reformed scis. After Mad tested his sig, the headcrab cleaned his teeth. The houndeye danced to the beat, while taking some weird pills. 

The train headed for sector C Testlabs, inhabited by slugs, and gordon clones. They were bouncing until a very bouncy gordon bounced too high and fell and died. The slugs and other gordon clones are tasty in a pinch. The headcrabb'ed sci's were beginning to read pornographic magazines when their dicks suddenly transformed into non pornographic material such as Dumbo, though that's debatable. 

Anyway, Dumbo became a porn star but not for long, since he had a few "problems". His problems were kind of, well, strangely reminiscent of something that happened in Mesa Yesterday. Its best not to discuss. 

Anyway, did you know that hypothetical questions make you think? I don't think you did. Well then answer this: How many women does it take to really fill an entire black mesa compound? The answer was about 1.432.352, although that's just a very rough estimate. 

Gman then very carefully touched a grenade, accidentally pulling the pin so he died. Another monkey threw a rock at some stinky old pilgrims that were puking on all the scientists. These pilgrims fought, pissed, and nothing much else. 

Back in Black Mesa, a meditating dragon meditated. And nobody cared. So Einstein flipped his lid and started calculating the ratio of scientists to aliens and grunts. He soon realised they were hopelessly outnumbered, so he jumped out of the window. 

Meanwhile, someone punched Gordon in the ballsack. Suddenly, FurryFriendshipGorilla appeared for legal reasons. Gordon was annoyed because madhacker kept on posting. All the while Gman was having a conversation with a clone of your mother, which slapped the shit out of an angry mapper with teh hammre wielding the fury of 40 tornados, and a crowbar in his backpack. 

Gordon thought what the fuck? Then the world ended. All involved won't miss it. However, gorillas are funny. Then Gman took matters into his own hands and deleted my image. "I don't blame him" said a local odie, of op4 fame 

Without any warning, both Steve Roberts and The Mad Hacker broke the 5 word each rule, and posted too many words. The specter will have revenge. Mad and Steve cowered and ph34r3d the wrath of specter. 

Glorgg came along and smashed himself. Then the entire squad of grunts killed each other because they thought they were paint guns. Paint guns that had gigantic paint gun apparatus's attached to the paint guns. Anyways, they took snarks and threw them at Steve while he ran for the 24 remaining posts. 

As snarks habitually do, they drank beer and yelled around. (The snarks were very pissed.) No one likes a pissed snark! So Gordon sent them away. Then some scientists began smoking ganja, and in their Clean clothes too! The disgrace! 

Ganja is legal in England but not in Canada! So they went to Canada. Just as the snark descended upon their heads, and ate them. So the moral of this is, "DONT DRINK AROUND SNARKS UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE!!!" Which is a pretty good moral. 

As our tale draws to a close, people are wondering why this hasnt been the best thing since sliced bread. 

Anyways, this ends the wonderful story of 'The five word hl story'.